


Knights of the Round Table (who dance when e're able)

by YeetTheAngels



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Monty Python's Spamalot
Genre: Acting, Comedy, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Gen, Humor, Multi, Musicals, like carnival phantasm, references to other fate works
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-27 03:01:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16694179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YeetTheAngels/pseuds/YeetTheAngels
Summary: Alternative titles: Guda's Birthday Surprise, or watch the author cast Fate characters as Spamalot charactersAs birthday surprises go, this one wasn't too bad.





	1. Prologue

Mash hurried down the hallways of Chaldea in her normal outfit, Fou easily keeping pace next to her. Skidding to a stop in front a oaken door, she hastily opened it. “Sorry for being late!” The room’s occupants looked up from what they were doing. Gawain, Lancelot and Emiya were playing a round of cards, with Gawain losing badly. Tristan was allowing Bedivere to braid his hair. Artoria and Mordred were eating the sandwiches set out on the table. And Merlin was pulling his twin tails down and removing his accessories, with Arthur helping him.“ No worries, Mash.” Artoria reassured the young girl. Quickly, the others stopped what they were doing and seated themselves around the oaken replica of the famed round table. The room was furnished sparsely, with a rich red rug spread on the floor and faux stone walls. It wasn’t Camelot, but none of them minded that much.

After they had all seated themselves, Artoria cleared her throat. “This meeting of the Round Table commences. Now then, anyone has any idea what to do for Master’s birthday, which is 3 months away? Other than the ideas last time. And no, we aren’t performing as a female idol group, Merlin. You can do that with your own group.” Merlin pouted, putting down his hand. Arthur patted him on the shoulder. “Um...” Mash raised her hand, unsure if she should mention her idea. “Yes, Sir Mash.” “Well, I found this CD of a musical in a box of smuggled movies. Maybe we could perform it?” Arturia shrugged. “Well, it’s not like anyone else has any idea what to do. What musical is it?” Mash slid the CD over, the other knights helping to get it to Arturia. “... Spamalot? Is it like that Monty Python movie we watched?”

A few days later, Shakespeare was incredibly miffed at the fact someone had booked the theater for a play already. “Now what am I going to give Master for their birthday?” As he walked down the hall, he was suddenly pulled into a room. “Wha- Sir Gawain? Sir Lancelot?” “Shhh!” Gawain looked warily out before closing the door. “What are you ruffians doing?” Gawain looked mildly guilty at this. “Well… before I say anything, I just wanted to say we were the ones who booked the theater for Master’s birthday.” “You...” Shakespeare stared at the two knights. Confusion and anger warred in his mind. Finally confusion and curiosity won out, and he asked ” But why?” The two knights shifted uneasily, until Lancelot confessed. “We’re putting on a musical for Master’s birthday, and we need your help. This cannot get out to the others.” Shakespeare snorted. This was definitely not what he was expecting. “‘We’ refers to...” “The rest of the knights, Merlin, Emiya, Boudica, Drake, and some of the French and Irish. Also Hundred Face as backstage crew.” Shakespeare had now calmed down, and an unholy gleam entered his eyes. “Tell me more about your plans, sir knights...”

The day of the Guda’s birthday came, and they were being seated in a vip seat in the Rome Theater by Da Vinci. “Da Vinci, have you seen Mash?” Da Vinci giggled and sat down next to their right. “Don’t worry Gudao. She’s busy preparing for your birthday surprise!” Romani rushed in and sat on Gudako’s left, murmuring apologies to Gudao and Da Vinci. Gudao looked around the Theater Hall. Most servants were there, excitedly talking about the upcoming surprise. They noticed that the Knights of the Round were suspiciously absent, as where they usually sat was empty. So were Emiya and Boudica, as evidenced by Tamamo sitting next to Kiyohime and the other Japanese servants. Drake was also missing, and Anne and Bonney tried to fend off an enthusiastic Blackbeard. Some of the French servants were also missing, such as Dantes and Mozart (technically he wasn’t, but no one really cared to correct him) some of the Irish servants, and the Scandinavian servants, as well as some others. And since they were in the Rome Theater and Shakespeare was gone too... “Are the missing servants also part of my birthday surprise?” Da Vinci applauded him lightly. “Good deduction skills, Gudao. You’ll see what’s going to happen in about… now.” The lights dimmed, and the assorted servants of Chaldea and it’s staff started cheering.


	2. England? Nay, Finland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The play starts, and it's already a disaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should have mentioned this but the script is rewritten from the original Spamalot script, which I don't own.  
> I also don't own Fate, but that much should be obvious.  
> Also sorry for bad grammar sometimes
> 
> And I'm sorry if it's boring or unoriginal  
> Any ideas will be welcomed :D

The spotlight shined on Shakespeare, who was dressed as a historian. 

Shakespeare:

England, 932 A.D. A kingdom divided. To the West, the Anglo-Saxons. To the East, the French. Above, nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland. In Guinard, Palace, and Difford, plague. In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, Essex and Kent, plague.

**In the audience, there were many sounds of ungraceful snorting and snickering.**

In Mercia, and the two Anglias, plague, with a 50% chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour.

**“What is that, a weather report?” Nobunaga muttered to Okita, who snorted into her cup of tea.**

Legend tells us of an extraordinary leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom. A man with a vision, who gathered knights together in a Holy Quest. This man was Arthur, King of the Britons, for this was England!

The curtain rose to reveal… the Scandinavian servants in traditional clothing atypical for their region.

**“...What?” Gudao whispered to Gudako. “Wasn’t it Engla-” But he was interrupted by the servants on stage, who had started singing.**

Scandinavian Servants:

Finland, Finland, Finland That's the country for me!

(VARIOUS ANIMAL NOISES)

**As the noises played, many had to muffle their laughter at the sight of them dressed up so unlike their usual selves. Then some lost control when Sigurd started singing while holding a fake halibut.**

Sigurd:

Finland is the country where we dance

Finland is the country where we play

Here in Finland boy and girl can find a true romance

In traditional Scandinavian vay!

Scandinavian Servants:

Schlip! Schlap!

Sigurd:

Schlip-a-schlap-a vay

Scandinavian Servants:

Schlip! Schlap!

Sigurd:

Schlap away all day

Scandinavian Servants:

Schlip! Schlap!

Sigurd:

You simply can't go wrong

Vith traditional fish-schlapping song

**This was where Gudao completely lost control and laughed at Sigurd, who was slapped by the huge parrotfish Brynhildr was holding. Gudako had already lost control once she heard the opening, as she had watched this musical already. As a servant, this did virtually no damage, but his glasses somehow went flying across the stage as he stumbled.**

Scandinavian Servants:

Finland, Finland, Finland

Sigurd, Siegfried:

The country where I quite want to be

Siegfried:

Pony trekking-

Skadi:

Or camping-

Scandinavian Servants:

Or just watching TV

Finland, Finland, Finland That's the country for me.

Shakespeare poked his head out from the side, looking extremely disgruntled.

Shakespeare:

I said, "England."

Scandinavian Servants:

What? Oh, sorry, sorry about that.

**After the Scandinavian Servants dispersed, a line of servants dressed as monks walked across the stage, chanting. As they were covered with hoods, no one really knew who they were, but everyone laughed all the same when they banged their heads on the books they were holding.**

Monks:

Sacrosanctus Domine

Pecavi ignoviunt

Iuesus Christus Domine

Pax vobiscum venerunt

As the monks exited the stage, a door opened at the back of the stage and out came Santa Alter, "riding a horse" on the stage, with Bedivere riding behind her. She was not really riding a horse, but was pretending to, while Bedivere was banging coconuts to make the noise.

**“Hm, if Bedivere is Patsy, then who is the Sir Bedivere in the play?” Gudako mused. “Probably Tristan or Gawain. Hey Da Vinci, can Gawain sing?” Da Vinci smiled “Well, Gawain can’t sing at all.“ Gudako snickered. "Oh boy, this will be hilarious."**

Santa Alter ("Riding" in place):

Steady… And… Over we go

The "Horse" jumps over an obstacle, earning more snickers.

Well taken, Bedivere.

The “horse” performs various riding tricks.

And… wooooooah!

The horse stops and Santa Alter dismounts. By this point the snickers had turned into full blown laughter.

Very good.

She calls to the right end of the stage, where a wall of a castle stands, with a window.

Hello? Hello?

A guard, played by Caster Cu, appears at the window

Caster:

Who goes there?

Santa Alter (sings):

I am Artoria, king of the penguins, lord and ruler of all. Of England and Scotland and even tiny little bits of Gall.

**“Penguins?” “Well, she does claim to come from Finla- Ohhh, that’s why.”**

Caster:

And I'm the emperor of Norway, bugger off.

Bedivere (sings):

She is Artoria, king of the penguins, and we are out seeking men. Very strong men and very able-

Santa Alter (sings):

To sit at our very-very-very round table.

Caster:

What is it that you want?

Santa Alter:

I'm looking for men.

Caster:

I had a feeling…

**“Yeah. Only hot men who can swing swords around and with copious amounts of chivalry.”**

Santa Alter:

We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights to join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak to your lord and master.

Caster:

What, ridden on a horse?

Santa Alter:

Yes.

Caster:

You're using coconuts!

Santa Alter:

What?

Caster:

You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging them together.

Santa Alter:

So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea. Through-

Caster:

Where did you get the coconuts?

**“Yeah, where did they get them? The kitchens? Or was it the beach?”**

Santa Alter:

We found them.

Caster: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!

Santa Alter:

What do you mean?

Caster:

Well, this is a temperate zone.

**"No, we're in the Arctic, Cu. Try to keep up."**

Santa Alter:

The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer lands in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.

Caster:

Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

Santa Alter:

Not at all. They could be carried.

Caster:

What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

**"Depends on what you think is a swallow. After all, dragons are just bigger swallows to me." Sasaki Kojiro smirked and leaned back from where he was sitting. Beside him, Martha snorted ungracefully.**

Santa Alter:

It could grip it by the husk...

Caster:

It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple question of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could not hold a one pound coconut.

**“I never knew Caster Cu was this smart.” “He’s reading from the script, idiot.”**

Santa Alter:

Well, it doesn't matter. Will tell your master that Artoria from the Court of Camelot is here?

Caster:

Listen! To maintain air speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings four hundred and ninety three times every second. right?

Santa Alter:

(irritated) Please!

Caster:

Am I right?

Santa Alter:

I'm not interested.

A second guard, played by Proto Cu, appears in the window of the left sided castle wall.

Proto:

It could be carried by an African swallow.

Caster:

Oh yeah, An African swallow may be but not a European swallow. That's my point.

Proto: Oh yeah, I agree with that. Beautiful bird, the African swallow. Lovely plumage.

Caster:

The plumage don't change, and besides, African swallows are not my type.

Proto:

Oh yes.

Caster:

They can bring a coconut back anyway.

Santa Alter:

Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?

By this point, the two Cus had largely ignored Santa Alter and Bedivere, who were close to giving up.

Proto:

Wait a minute! Suppose there are two swallows, carrying it together?"

Caster:

No, they'll have to have it on a line.

Proto:

It's simple, they'll just use a strap to grip one.

Caster:

What, waving it under the doors for guiding ?

Santa Alter gives up and rides out of the stage, Bedivere right behind her.

Proto:

Who was that then?

Caster:

That's a king.

Proto:

How can you tell?

Caster:

She hasn't got shit all over her.

**"Language, Cu!" Someone yelled out over the laughter.**

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading my first posted work! Please give kudos and comments if you liked it!  
> English isn't my first language so please excuse any errors I may make.  
> You can always give me suggestions for roles for other characters (currently I have half the roles filled out)  
> I would also like some help with figuring out ao3's html, so if anyone could help that would be great  
> My posting schedule is very random, but I will alert you if I decide to abandon this work


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